My, That's A Big Banana
by Captain Oz
Summary: A conversation between RL and SB. Could be slash if you want, doesn't have to be. All dialogue.
1. Bananas

**Written for Lady Fuschia and Tinks over at deviantart. Because Fuschia has a dirty mind (bulge) and we made Tinks unable to eat her banana. Most of these are real quotes. Slash if you want. Could be taken quite innocently... mwhahaha!**

"Hey Rem."

"Siri."

"My, that's a big banana."

"I know."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Eat it."

"Are you going to let it penetrate your mouth?"

"Yes, I will. Oh, great. It's all horrible and soft."

"Ah, so Rem likes his bananas nice and hard."

"Piss off, and leave me alone."

"Are you going to eat it?"

"Yes, if you go away."

"Let me stay. Please. I'll just sit here."

"…"

"How long do you think the banana is? About average?"

"Bigger."

"So it is true what they say. Werewolves do have the biggest bananas."

"Yes, we do."

"Can I ask a question?"

"OK."

"When you eat banana, do you spit or swallow?"

"Swallow. Doesn't everyone?"

"Oh, I've seen quite a few spitters."

"I bet you've had quite a few bananas in your time."

"Quite a few."

"Would you like a bite of mine?"

"Oh, Rem, I'd be so proud."


	2. Sausages

**Here's another part. I know Fuschia liked this... must get Tinks to read it. And Blackheart... coz we've corrupted an innocent! Mwhahahaha! Ahem. Anyway, I am not responsible. This is all totally innocent from my perspective...**

"Hmm…that's a big sausage."

"Yes."

"Nice and meaty?"

"You bet."

"It looks almost fit to burst."

"I tried sticking it in my mouth, but it wouldn't fit."

"That's just plain defeatist. I could fit that in easy, without biting any of it off."

"You're not biting my sausage!"

"Why not? I let you bite my banana."

"That's different."

"How?"

"Your banana was all floppy. My sausage is taut."

"It wasn't my banana's fault. It got bruised by people knocking it around."

"Oh, poor Remmie's banana."

"…"

"Rem, why did you just stroke my sausage?"

"It looked lonely."

"I think it's alive."

"Why?"

"It's starting to throb."

"Sirius, that's because it's leaking."

"What? Where?"

"There, at the end."

"Dammit. I know, lick it before it gets on the floor."

"No! I'm not licking your sausage!"

"Please Remmie."

"Damn puppy dog eyes."

"…"

"That better?"

"Mmhmm…"


	3. Broomsticks

**I'm sorry for neglecting fic... I've started the next chapter of Kooks. This is James and Remus, James speaking first.**

"What's Sirius doing?"

"Playing with his broomstick."

"Oh… does his mother know?"

"She'd probably go insane if she knew half the things he does with it."

"He does seem to be enjoying it a lot."

"Well, what do you expect? He is a growing boy."

"You indulge him Remus. Hang on, why aren't you with him?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, normally it's your broomstick he likes playing with."

"He's not allowed to touch my broomstick at the moment."

"Why not?"

"He insulted my banana, and used me for his sausage."

"That broomstick is rather long, isn't it?"

"I know. He has an inferiority complex."

"Big shaft."

"He grips it firmly though."

"With both hands."

"I like it when I get to go on his broomstick."

"Isn't it painful?"

"Well, sometimes I do get splinters. And it is quite hard, especially when he keeps on moving. Sometimes I'm on it for hours."

"Isn't there anything he can rub on it?"

"He does have some oil. But sometimes that just isn't enough."

"When you're on his broomstick, are you on top or bottom?"

"Bottom usually. Sirius says I can't steer right, I'll just put it in the wrong places."

"Oh, hang on, isn't that Snape up there?"

"Yeah… hey, he's touching Sirius' broomstick!"

"I'd say he was stroking it."

"What is Sirius doing?"

"I'd say he was laughing. Maybe he likes Snape touching his broomstick."

"But I'm the only one who's allowed to play with Sirius' broomstick!"

"I'm sure he'll be sorry later."

"Right. Well, two can play at that game."

"Um, Remus. That's my broomstick."

"I know. I'm going to play with it…"

**Please add me on lj. I'm ozthebobble. I need friends... this is a desperate heartfelt plea... my real life friends abuse me...**


End file.
